LXX/ It’s both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply

“There are people who would love to have your bad days.”

You wanna know what’s really bugging me lately? Well here it is; what you dislike in somebody’s behavior is evidently something you subconsciously dislike about yourself. [Here I invite you to take a break and think it through.] I hate to say but this is awfully true to life.
Also, I find it fascinating the tendency that we have to only see what we want to see in people we just met, this way of wanting at all costs to meet a certain type of person who meets our expectations, and so we picture that imaginary person and we do our best to make this new encounter fit into that mold we just completely made up, only it never lasts very long.

If you look at it closely, you’ll find out that we also do that with jobs, nights out, holidays and so on. But soon enough, reality catches up on us. Sooner or later we have to face the fact that we wanted to believe in it so bad that we got to a point where we kinda lied to ourselves for a while. Friendship, love, work and whatnot; by maintaining high expectations we always end up hurting ourselves. That person that just popped into our life isn’t the one you idealized; it’s just another human being  with its own qualities, but also its own flaws – which it took us a while to admit. You know, it’s both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.”

You know what, over time I’ve come to realize that my terrible need for justice combined together with the fact that I’m a goddamn perfectionist are the two major causes of all my struggles. I’m aware of it and yet I just can’t do fuck all about it. What do you want, you just can’t go against your nature I suppose. What I’m getting at is that the older I grow, the less fine souls I’m able to find on my way. Or maybe the great peeps of my life have made me too exigent over time, go figure. All I know is that finding someone you can really connect with is like winning the lottery – it happens basically never, but if it does, you really shouldn’t blow it.

“I don’t know how people can fake whole relationships. I can’t even fake a hello to somebody I don’t like.”

They say the most difficult challenge when you feel down is to not look back and get all melancholic. For I’ve done that a number of times, let me tell you one thing; nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they were. Sounds harsh, I know, but really that’s what it is. Comparison is the death of joy.

“I realized that I was holding on to something that didn’t exist anymore. That the person I missed doesn’t exist anymore. ”

Some memories are better off untouched. Plunging yourself back into the beautiful memories of your past thinking that it would be great to give it a go and relive those moments again is like trying to fall back asleep after having been awakened too soon – interrupted right in the middle of the sweetest dream. Let’s face it, it doesn’t work that way.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

Sometimes the best way to prove someone that he’s wrong is to let him continue his path. For I’ve been there, telling someone to grow up won’t make him grow an inch. Only experience will. What do you want, seems like the exclusively-weather-oriented-conversations kind of people is blossoming.

I read a good one the other day; “Long time ago, people who sacrificed their sleep, family, food, laughter and other joys of life were called saints. Now they are called hoteliers.”
For what it’s worth, when I look back, I feel like I always knew where I was meant to end up. The other day I had a read through my writings from the past years and every now and again there were clues all along my path. Those four years working in the hospitality industry have been useful in the way that they consumed every last bit of patience I ever had to chase me away from busy spots for good, gradually orienting me towards open spaces. The true courage sometimes is to choose.

“Life is like an embroidery, you spend half of your life on the front side, the pretty side of the embroidery. But you spend the second half on the other side. It’s not as pretty but you can see how the threads are woven together and you can see how it’s made.”

There are moments that seemed so unimportant, so meaningless at the time they occurred, but for some reason, looking back today they mean the world to you. It may have been like years ago – perhaps decades even – in some cases you’ll find that you can still perfectly remember every detail of a certain event, every last word of a conversation, every other freckle on her shoulder. I guess it’s hard to know what the important days are.

It’s kinda hard to put words on it, but it truly seems like these days I see everything under a different angle. And when I look back on the turning points of my life, I now understand why this turned to shit and why that has been uplifting. I have changed, and there’s just no point to deny it any longer.

“Embrace uncertainty. Some of the most beautiful chapters in our lives won’t have a title until much later.”


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