LXXVIII/ You weren’t born to just pay bills and die

t”Driven forward by the fact that no matter how empty the world seemed, no matter how degraded and used up the world appeared to us, we knew that anything was still possible. And, given the right circumstances, a new world was just as likely as an old one.”

My expertise.
At work, there’s that charismatic and pretty popular researcher, expert in mindfulness and well-being at work, that everyone seems to rightfully admire. Charismatic because before anything else, the guy has a unique background. Indeed, he is a former army fighter pilot who has converted into a teacher. A teacher in (economic) peace. Striking story huh?
What caught my attention is that he was in the army precisely for 6 years. My personal life-changing experience – to have lived on the road for a fifth of my life – lasted exactly 6 years too. This is when I realized that what makes somebody inspiring is when they talk with their hearts about something that resembles them deeply.

My personal legend.
That similarity in our respective paths has been a triggering factor. Hence, I was gonna write about my personal and unique expertise; life on the road and the ‘uncharted’ homecoming that comes next.
Because this is my DNA. My true added value. Because despite my extensive traveler network, I don’t know of anyone that went through such sort of a similar life-changing experience that is to travel for this many years in a row. Because I struggled pretty hard to settle down after all those years of nomadic ecstasy and nowhere I could find help or comforting words I could have related to. There are thousands of travel blogs out there telling where to go, how to pack efficiently but there is none to help you go through your homecoming then. Hope my writings can help some lost souls out there, would it only be by spreading the word that you’re not alone.
This is it, in my last post I was realizing that I had to come back to writing and this week I’m figuring out in what direction I’m going.

#ExistentialQuestions
So how do you adjust to a sedentary lifestyle coming back from such a (6 year) journey? How do you adapt to a society and its codes that you grew up far away from and know nothing about? Can you blend in at all? How does a global citizen deals with sedentism once the backpacking chapter of his life is over?
One year
after my return, it is time to take stock.

“I regained my soul through literature after those times I’d lost it to wild-eyed gypsy girls on the world streets.”
Despite what it may look like now that you see me wearing neat shirts, I remember my “previous life” as if it were yesterday. But yesterday ended a year ago… I never quite collected passport stamps but I’ve always been madly obsessed with maps. Just like a cat gets tricked by a laser pointer, it’s just too funny the way I instantly drown into them for hours and forget about the world around me as soon as any given map is put under my nose. Travel plans were as vital to me as water is to a plant. Used to be like ‘each new city, a victory’. And now I’ve seen hundreds of them, lived in a dozen of different countries.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room.
I’m often asked why suddenly decide to go home and leave everything behind if it was that empowering and essential to my life?
I’d tell you that the answer lies in the question. I am an adventurer, and, to me, it got to a point where radically change lifestyle was more challenging than continuing in a path where one has become expert. Challenges are essential to keep life worthwhile. Over time, I realized that, to me, it was just so much easier to flight than to fight.
The greatest experiences are usually waiting for us far outside of our comfort zone, even if your comfort zone happens to be the opposite of everyone else’s.

Why quit full-time traveling?
Because to me, to this day and until I’m proven otherwise, the ability to adapt to change still is the best proof of intelligence.
I was firmly convinced that I knew it all, that having set foot on 5 continents provided me with that extra little something that made me unique – but it’s precisely when I quit feeling superior and opened-up to the most radical of changes that my life really took off.

Halfway between a betrayal and a final accomplishment.
Settling in, finding a steady and interesting job, getting an apartment… All that resulted in mixed feelings at first. I remember how, during the first weeks – perhaps months – it really felt halfway between a betrayal and a final accomplishment. A betrayal because I sort of left all my fellow nomads behind and traded my 70-liter backpack for a white collar. A final accomplishment for, not knowing exactly how, it felt as if I had been working towards that goal my whole life.
Truth is, places are just places. At the end of the day, a place is only as worthy as what you invest in it.

Old habits die hard.
Although, as far as I know, it doesn’t mean it was any easy, not at all in fact. For the record, it took me about 6 months to accept to leave my toothbrush in my bathroom – as opposed to having it packed in my toilet bag, next to my backpack, in my bedroom, always unconsciously ready to take off… So if you happen to be in my case don’t freak out, it is totally normal to have bizarre behaviors when you return home from long-term travel. As I said, it took me about 6 months to adjust, and between us, even today, I’m not sure I’m entirely “fixed”. Damn, 6 months for 6 years…!


Metaphorical self-questioning.
Traveling was all about learning the difference between what you want and what you need. Now I’m learning all about comfort, that unknown concept I lived far away from for so long. And I’m beginning to figure out that finding someone who loves you for what you really are, at your best, at your worst, is true love. Not this constant search for adventure.

Sequelae
“A wise man can always be found alone. A weak man can always be found in the crowd.”
I never considered it a bad/sad thing that to eat alone. Matter of fact, I actually rather find it to be a luxury. Silence is king. But most people don’t, and they look at you strange when you do, or even funnier, they pity you. Damn, it’s in these moments that I realize that we’re definitely not all wired the same way.

Trust everyone, but always cut cards.
This is only one example out of hundreds of how tricky it can be to me to readjust to life in society. A sedentary society.
Mostly for, deep down in my heart, and because of all those years of solo-traveling, I’m just too accustomed to work as a lone wolf. To rely on nobody but myself. Not to trust anyone fully, and never bond to a point it’ll make you weep when saying farewell.
A couple years back I remember writing ‘I’m a lone wolf and a vicious one, but if somehow you manage to catch my attention, I’m willing to offer you everything I have.’

All good things are wild and free.
Having to rely only on myself was empowering and comfortable.
But years following those essential self-protecting nomad rules have left me with serious social issues now. Like I can’t bear group projects, like I can’t delegate, like I can’t have anyone watching over my back or tell me what to do. Lucky me, I found a company that has a very visionary staff management policy.
I realize I must be horribly difficult to manage, a hardworking free-spirit that can’t take any direct orders… Deal with it. That said, if you manage to find a way to channel me and my (Spanish) temper, I’ll sure be one of your best assets and ambassador. See?? I even mention you in my blog…

“Don’t forget, which is to say remember, because remembering is so much more a psychotic activity than forgetting.”
Now that I’m all settled in, I tend to forget how far I’ve come back from.
They say never forget how far you’ve come. Everything you have gotten through. All the times you have pushed on even when you felt you couldn’t. All the mornings you got out of bed no matter how hard it was. All the times you wanted to give up but you got through another day. Never forget how much strength you have learned and developed along the way.
As Paulo Coelho wrote; we forget about all the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the things we had to give up in order to get this far.

You don’t get where I am by sticking to the plan.
The closer you stand from achieving your wildest dream, the closer you are to turn into your own worst enemy. It is just too easy to give up when at the foot of the podium. Never give up. Take that final step and accept that reward you fought so hard for.
Until then, don’t forget to reward yourself daily for every little step you take toward achieving your goal(s), regardless at how insignificant the step may seem compared with the immensity of your goal itself. And even when you achieve your goals, take time to appreciate your victory, because it is just too easy to move on to your next objective forgetting to celebrate the fruits of your hard work. In the meantime, don’t be so hard on yourself. Remember, life is here to take care of that.

 

“You asked me to teach you chess, and I’ve done that. It’s a useful mental exercise. Through the years, many thinkers have been fascinated by it. But I don’t enjoy playing. Do you know why not? Because it was a game that was born during a brutal age when life counted for little and everyone believed that some people were worth more than others. Kings and pawns. I don’t think that anyone is worth more than anyone else. I don’t envy you the decisions you’re gonna have to make. And one day I’ll be gone and you’ll have no one to talk to. But if you remember nothing else, please remember this chess is just a game. Real people aren’t pieces. And you can’t assign more value to some of them than to others. Not to me. Not to anyone. People are not a thing that you can sacrifice. The lesson is that anyone who looks on the world as if it was a game of chess, deserves to lose.”

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LXXVII/ Life happened

“Choose life

Choose Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and hope that someone, somewhere cares
Choose looking up old flames, wishing you’d done it all differently
And choose watching history repeat itself
Choose to smother the pain with an unknown dose of an unknown drug made in somebody’s kitchen
And then… take a deep breath
You’re an addict, so be addicted
Just be addicted to something else
Choose the ones you love
Choose your future
Choose life”

“These days I’m on top of my game and I have such a lust for life, a determination to win that I’m convinced is gonna take me right where I wanna go” – so I was writing 6 months ago in my last blogpost… if only I knew how right I was..!
Just to give you a rough idea of all that happened to me the past 6 months; I found my true calling and got the most fascinating job I could have ever wished for, I quit smoking, I quit biting my nails and more broadly speaking, I got rid of a whole bunch of self-consuming habits/addictions I used to have for years – even decades for some. I’m not gonna lie, I am proud of myself. You know sometimes pride can be a good thing, and in my case it’s nothing but a reflection of my self-esteem. And as far as I’m concerned, self-esteem is much needed to overcome major changes in life.
I guess what I mean is that I am in tune with who I truly am daily. In control and rocking it.

You’re an addict; so be addicted. Just be addicted to something else.
So I chose a job that matches my DNA – the international communications industry – I chose to fall (back) in love with the mountains surrounding my hometown instead of always aiming for new ones at the end of the world, I chose to take the plunge and become the fully-fledged adult I was going to be for the rest of my life.
I chose to live in peace. And this brand-new life is rewarding me with more love and sense of pride than I thought it could.
“There is no greater gift you can give or receive than to honor your calling. It’s why you were born. And how you become most truly alive.”

“I suddenly felt as if I had a clearer vision of it all. An unusual lucidity. And I felt full of enthusiasm for life. I wanted to question fate, to understand the reason for our existence, to discover a common ground for science and spirituality, to invent a new art… ”
To quit smoking really has been an eye-opener to me. It’s been a game-changer in my life in the way that it is from this point forward that I realized that anything truly was possible to achieve in this life. It’s incredible how much self-confidence getting rid of that addiction had me gain – as well as how much freer I feel now.

To be honest I can’t believe that it’s been 6 months I haven’t posted a single word… Especially because the very reason that has kept me from writing – everything that has happened to me in the interim – could easily be enough to fill a book. Indeed, it is ridiculous all that has occurred in my life this past half-year and now I just have no idea where to start.
So just as a wise one once told me ‘if you have no idea where to start, just start somewhere’.

“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.”
 Essentially what’s going on is that I work so hard at day time to properly fulfil my new position (as much as it fulfils me) that I almost systematically end up too exhausted to do anything by the time I can call it a day. And boy oh boy, regardless at how fascinating the job may be, you’d be surprised at how quick one gets stuck in an overwhelming (sedentary) daily routine…
And of course, when the weekend comes, I always get a sense of needing to do shitloads of stuff for myself as I don’t want my life to look as if it was fully dedicated to my job. You know the peeps from my gen we’re really attached to keep the right balance between work and private life – like the last thing we want is to have our job sucking out all our time and energy.
So yes, when you put that fresh career start next to my busy weekends… I end up with a very good excuse not to write anymore – and broadly speaking – make time to take stock and slow things down.

But maybe the answer is elsewhere?
Back when I started, I used to say ‘I write because nobody listens’. I must confess that I don’t feel that way anymore. Now people do listen to what I say, or at least, I don’t feel like my words go unnoticed. One of the perks of approaching your thirties; you’ve accumulated enough life experience to catch people’s attention and make the difference with your fiercely-earned yet legitimate credibility.
“No need to write anymore bla bla bla”… see?? Just found another excuse not to finish this post… Truth is, the reason why it took me so long to get back to writing is due to a bunch of recent realizations.

“Choose life, choose Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and hope that someone, somewhere cares”
That is just so true. At some point, I came to wonder whether all that had a meaning at all? I mean damn, I love my art and I used to often get heartfelt feedbacks (always welcome! =) ) telling me I should go on and go bigger even. But there’s a part of me starting to doubt. I mean isn’t everything you do online sort of meaningless today? See, all those people addicted to their social media, to their ‘likes’ and e-reputation… Makes one wonder whether one shouldn’t rather spend all that time actually doing things instead of posting… Don’t wanna be one of those that end up living up to their follower’s expectations, stuck in their world of lies and appearances. Can’t help thinking of what Benjamin Franklin cleverly said; ‘either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.’

Opportunity dances with those already on the dancefloor, not with those that spend the night Tweeting about being in the club.
But then once the storm’s over, do you wanna know what systematically takes me back to my obsession for writing? My unconditional love for Word Porn. Every time I read one of those quotes I often share with you, every time I hear an actor, a singer, a charismatic figure pronounce one of those lines to perfection, I get goosebumps and I instantly remember that Word Porn is one of those key things my heart pumps for. What makes me feel most alive. Then I remember that I’m one of those folks capable of making others feel that way through my writings. Would it only be for this reason, I know that I need to carry on. For the good words do to people.
The way I write may evolve over time, the posts’ format, their length… whatever, I need to continue what I started 4,5 years ago.

Because it is ridiculously pleasant to read back my own words once years have gone by and instantly get more melancholic than when watching old photographsThe power of words. A heartfelt quote really has the power to make your sorrow go away, to help you find the strength needed to go forward and overcome any issue that initially seemed unsurmountable. A well-written and well-thought-out piece will have you remember every single detail of a given memory. All those uncountable – yet easily-forgettable – scraps of your priceless life.

The most dreadful stuff I ever read.
A couple years ago, I remember reading that piece about some study that had been carried out on human memory. Essentially, their point was that every time you think of a given memory, you actually think of the last time you remembered it. Meaning that if last time, you didn’t try very hard to remember it in detail, this time is gonna be much harder for you to recall more aspects of that memory than it would have been the last time… And so forth… So write I must, hopefully until the end of my days. Would it only be for me to try and remember how awesome life is. We all believe so hard that we’ll never forget that particular event that year, or what we shared with this specific person back in college and so on… but the truth is, as years go by, your memory begins to fade – like you struggle sometimes only to recall some good old mate’s first name…
You know, referring only those recent years on the road, despite how unique every bit of those experiences have been, reading my blog had me realize that there’s so much I wouldn’t recall if it wasn’t for what I wrote about it.

No more excuses.
In the meantime, to my greatest enchantment, to write has become a major part of my daily job. I write loads of press releases, I sell news, I do verbal marketing and much story-telling too. Not that I’m trying to come up with an umpteenth excuse to tell you why I’ve often been too busy/lazy to write lately, but one has the right to wonder… when you get home from a long day’s work, would stripping your wife naked and have sex be your number one priority if you were a gynecologist?

 

And I’m sorry it took so long but eh, life happened.

 

 

 

LXXVI/ Where the trail ends

« Because I don’t live in either my past or my future, I’m interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy man. You’ll see that there is life in the desert. »


It’s funny to realize how over time it gets easier and easier to distinguish the people that are useful to your life and those who aren’t any longer of any use. I’m aware of how brutal it is to say such a thing although this is merely a truthful statement. But just as harsh as that may sound, it doesn’t make the action taking process any easier for so much.

I remember back on the road how – in order to keep moving – I used to ask myself ; “are you happy or just comfortable?”, and the answer always was : “comfortable, not quite, but happy yes I do.” Today the answer would be “both”. And I love it. I love how ironical this is.

Life is a balance of holding on and letting go. We are what we don’t throw away.

How do you know you’re finally putting down roots somewhere? Your bunch of keys is getting heavier and heavier each day, and you secretly kinda fancy the sound they make in your pocket. Makes you feel like you matter somehow.

Pretty funny what’s going on to me these days. Months go by and I realize I’m kinda throwing myself headfirst into sedentism. Like crazy. It’s just too good to catch up with long term buddies. True friendships and priceless bromances that have survived over time.
Yet every once in a while I get to meet new people too. And let me tell you one thing, the most beautiful encounters are those that weren’t meant to happen.

All those beautiful peeps I for once have a chance to build something on the long run with – as I’m back for good now – and most of those people will most likely hang around for a while. Damn, when I think of it, I see myself evolving every day a little, my vision of the world is gradually shifting again. And it’s good to realize Life will never cease to surprise me. That sedentary life I used to irrationally fear is now doing me more good than I would have ever imagined it could.

And fellow nomads, you’d be amazed at how the easiness of a routine within your comfort zone can be a slippery slope to people like us.
People that never knew what comfort truly meant, people that always had issues with the sense of belonging, people that never really had a chance to build anything on the long run one way or another.

Day after day, rock climbing is gradually teaching me humility, patience and perseverance. And that’s a good thing. Good values and pretty awesome folks to be met at the end of a rope. So desperately in love with anything that is remotely close to the mountains. Trekking, rock climbing and soon skiing. I feel like I’m kinda overcompensating my usual “lack of elsewhere” with outdoor activities. Generally speaking I’m good when in the mountains as they always manage to put me back in my place, to remind me how small I really am and how humble I should be.

So yeah, I guess one can say my little rehab is going pretty well. There’s just something about that sense of belonging to a community, of being genuinely welcome and your presence being truly appreciated. To feel like you matter to my surrounding.
If you want to get somewhere in life, think, dress and act like you’re already there. Be important, be the difference.

Day after day, I’m gradually building up self-confidence. Desperately looking for my personal launching ramp as I’m convinced my life is about to take off any minute now.

After Brexit and that election, anything is now possible. A world is falling apart in front of our eyes. A vertigo. But still that desire to believe in it somehow.

I went off traveling, looking for answers, for that epiphany… It didn’t come… until I returned.
Today I realize that I used to carry hate in my heart. The reason to that is because over the course of the different steps on my trip, I simply wasn’t taking enough time to let love in, as I’ve pretty much always been on-the-go.

I was just too accustomed to say farewell. Always unconsciously making sure I’d never get too attached to anyone around me so I would never have to leave a place with so much of a heavy heart… Today I realize this self-defense mechanism of mine is the very reason of all my commitment issues.
It took me a while to figure out that all that is not given is lost. I am serene because from now on I no longer dream of elsewhere but of the very life I lead instead. Here and now.

Inner war breaks out over frustration. Inner peace begins with acceptance. Took me quite some time to realize that if you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room. Needed time to process and accept the fact that maybe – and just maybe – I explored all the possibilities of the world of travel and it was time for me to move on.

You know there’s no turning back when you wake up one morning and suddenly realize your current sedentary life is much better than some of your nomad sessions. Well done Grenoble, sounds like you got me back for good this time.

« There’s no better feeling than setting a courageous goal for yourself and defying the odds to achieve it; jumping headfirst into the unknown with an open heart and an open mind. »

Now I get it, nomad is good because you get it all right away. You’re just your own God who’s will is king. Sedentary is different, it’s beautiful because everything takes time. But on the bright side, there’s all the time needed in the world for you to daydream about your next move, a whole panel of ever-evolving possibilities lying ahead of you.

Here we are boys, I am definitely out of a game and entered a whole new one where everything is yet to be discovered – little by little – every code, every rule and every challenge.

It’s insane how the things that originally do not appeal to us all that much have the potential to fascinate us all the more if we end up getting hooked, probably because we had no expectations whatsoever from the start.

It’s only recently that I realized that when you travel, you are merely walking through others’ constructions but when you settle down, you actually start to build your own things. I am not mad at myself for it took me so long to get there because I know I could have never been that relaxed and clear-headed if it wasn’t for all that traveling that’s been leading my every move for the past six years.

To my greatest enchantment I’m beginning to see and accept that there is life in the desert. As innocent as it may sound, this may very well be the discovery of the decade to me.

I had to learn to fully open my heart in order to let new vibrations in, learn to lower my guard and assume all the risks that such behavior entails. In this very moment I realize I’ve been living in seclusion for quite some time, never really opening-up just so I could never be hurt that much. And it’s been working okay so far in the sense that it has kept the heartaches away but only today I realize that it’s also been keeping love away as well. By “love”, I’m referring to the broad meaning of the term; friends, colleagues, everyday happiness and so on. Damn, how could I not grasp this sooner?!

« She scares the hell out of me and calms my soul at the same time. Maybe that’s what love is – a total contradiction that somehow balances. »

And we’re so firmly convinced that it only happens to others… For the first time in a long while, I have something to lose and I am happy about it. To tell you the truth, it is as freaky as it is pleasant.

One’s gotta go with the flow and play along. Free yourself from your usual beliefs and let yourself get caught up in the game. Let go and forget all notion of control. We will never only control what we believe we are in control of. Believe me, the juice is worth the squeeze.
Only with great risk that a great reward. And today, because tomorrow is not promised.

« Life is being in bed with you, everything else is just waiting. »

I had to let it happen, I had to dive into uncertainty. I had to give myself the means to overcome that decisive life transition. I feel like I’ve been blind for years. Like my wanderlust addiction was keeping me from seeing the sick potential that my hometown had. There’s a fire burning in my heart and it’s doing me good.

« Sometimes, there is no next time, no time-outs, no second chances. Sometimes it’s now or never. »

It’s a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you’re ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now. Generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.

There’s no denying it, something big is changing in my life these days. I had to get a grip on myself in order to get over it. I had to make peace with the system in order to overcome that rather brutal change. I quit fighting. If you can’t take down the system, then change it from within. Know the rules well so you can break them effectively. And you know what, I knew all the rules but the rules did not know me.

“You are honest. You know how to lie. I like that.”

Despite the fact that the temptations to fall back are (were?) all over , these days I’m on top of my game and I have such a lust for life, a determination to win that I’m convinced is gonna take me right where I wanna go. Work hard in silence, let the success be your noise. And quit believing everything you goddamn hear. Shit, believe in yourself. Because if you don’t, then who will?
You know my dear, when there is a will…

Damn, at long last I’m feeling alive at home and I’m so desperately in love with my life. It may have taken me a while, cost me efforts and required the strongest perseverance, but I eventually made it. It’s like things are just too comfy and daily-rewarding in my freshly-built bubble that considering leaving it now is just not an option.

It’s only when I stopped fighting that “initial global slowness” that I began to find it charming. All I had to do was to set up a life I don’t need to escape from.
And as paradoxical as it may sound, that new lifestyle made me hyperactive. Rarely got so many things done simultaneously on different fronts. Given where I started from, it gives me a certain sense of pride. You know, we’re all a little stronger in the broken places. It’s all about feeling alive, remember ?

Thus I start to value things that take time to get. It’s like my good old “I want everything, right here and then” seems a little childish to me now. Work, love, relationships… how wonderful is it to take time to see these things gradually grow day after day? Damn, I’d never thought I’d say such a thing one day. Only that in itself is enough to make my point I believe.

In the end, rock climbing has taught me to fight. To fight for what I truly believe in, fight for what I genuinely want in life, fight as to protect my investment. And I’ll never be thankful enough for that. And you know what, every step was necessary, even the temptations to fall back, the doubts and whatnot. It all contributed to get me where I am now, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The turns of life aren’t always where we expect them to be. So I chose life, running around like crazy, trying everything new. I chose to see the glass half full instead of half empty, and it’s actually been a long time I made that decision.

« I know these will all be stories some day, and our pictures will become old photographs. We all become somebody’s mom or dad. But right now, these moments are not stories. This is happening. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive. And in this moment, I swear, we are infinite. »

I’m no longer healing, I’m healed.

Je voulais régler un vieux contentieux avec le temps. J’avais trouvé dans la marche à pied matière à le ralentir. L’alchimie du voyage épaississait les secondes. Celles passées sur la route filaient moins vite que les autres. La frénésie s’empara de moi, il me fallait des horizons nouveaux.
Je me passionnais pour les aéroports où tout invite à la sortie et au départ. Mes voyages commençaient comme des fuites et se finissaient en course-poursuite contre les heures.

Il suffisait de demander à l’immobilité ce que le voyage ne m’apportait plus : la paix. »

« I had a score to settle with time. I had found in hiking a way to slow it down. The alchemy of the journey thickened the seconds. Those spent on the road were running slower than the others. The frenzy took hold of me, I needed new horizons.
I used to find airports exciting, as places where everything invites to the exit and departure. My journeys used to begin as an escape and ended up in pursuit against the hours.

All I had to do was to ask of immobility what travel no longer brought me : peace. »

 

Bonus :

LXXV/ Smoke and mirrors

“Existence could be beautiful, or it could be ugly, but that’s on you. Dream. You got to find out the future you’re fighting for. Sometimes you got to close your eyes and really envision that shit, bro. If you like it, then it’s beautiful. If you don’t? Then you might as well fade the fuck out right now.”

My first night home alone freaked me out, would be lying to tell you otherwise. Then you try and remember why you ended up here. “Because you wanted to take a break, to chill someplace where you got long-term buddies, somewhere familiar with heaps of mountains around.” What’s with your perpetual need for adventure then?? Well in my particular case, settling down in my own country for an open period of time is a much bigger challenge than to explore any given wild place in the world. Way more mysterious and spooky in a way. Nope, we’re not all wired the same way.

Also there’s the fact that I lately realized that after all that endless traveling, I got to a momentary stage where I just didn’t wanna be a tourist at all any longer. I didn’t wanna be treated nor would it only be seen as a stranger anymore. To the extent that even living in a French region that wasn’t mine was still not good enough. I wanted to be fully respected as a local. As the boy that just did his homecoming from a long overseas journey.
And damn, you should see how fascinated people are by travel tales. Shit it’s good to be back. Anyway, when I think of the destinations I have on mind, I feel like I’m just not ready yet. Need to charge my batteries first. Plus it can wait, the world may be going very wrong these days, those countries up on my list are still gonna be there tomorrow.

So this is where we start; not really in that travel mindset anymore but not totally home yet either. But what the hell makes it so hard to unpack my stuff? First step, and probably the most challenging one; convince yourself when you tell others you’re here to stay.

When you think of it, it looks easy on the paper. Taking it one day at a time, the very thing I used to do back on my traveling days. Though for some reason I can’t seem to help thinking long term when I’m here. Like I don’t wanna commit to a job for too long in case I happen not to like it. Like if I go for an open-ended contract then I fear to get stuck in there forever… “Open-ended contract”, still the most frightening words to my ears in 2016. So for now I’ll just swing from a day job to another until I manage to find a more interesting position that would have to do with my field. Life on a temporary contract. Life IS a temporary contract.

And this is how I wound up stocking the shelves of a hardware store for my first month back home, using all my spare time looking for a more gratifying position elsewhere. Much questioning and many ups and downs followed on that first month of sedentary life.

First thing that is blindingly obvious to me is that the system is humiliating. Forces you to take a shitty unqualified job to pay the bills because “you got no experience.” To think that I initially thought my major issue was gonna be for me to choose what I wanted to do… Like I’m gonna have a choice… And I’ll have you remember that you should be thankful for the day job, like we’re doing you a favor. What an absolute hypocrisy.
So you’re telling me I’m the one who needs to show gratitude?? Well guess again boy, I’ll burn my passport down before I kiss that ass.

As a reminder, I’ve got to mention that I “grew up” and got all my first professional experiences overseas, most of the time places where the Saxon system ruled. Meaning that if you wanna work, you may totally find a job in a day. Better than that, you can even find a job in your area if you’re willing to start from the bottom. And with persistence and determination, you may totally climb the ladder so fast that within six months you could sometimes be the boss.

No we’re back to France, where the employment situation seems to be from another era. Everything is slow-processed, fussy about the procedure, old-school and closed-minded. Today I see a whole generation’s potential going down the drain on a daily basis. For what? Because the system couldn’t be any more inappropriate. Those who will study hard for years will end up being over-qualified and those who couldn’t take school will not stand a chance. And if for some reason today you wanna work in a different field than what you studied, I wish best of luck. Any stupid moron who’d have followed the right curriculum will stand in front of you in the line – never mind the fact that the guy potentially hates it and sucks at it very bad when you got the means to do the job just fine considering your life experience.

Let’s say it, today no recruiter is willing to take a “risk” betting on the candidate that has a different career path. Nobody’s willing to change a thing. The system is protecting itself, because oldies hold the reins. I say fuck off, all that is just so retarded. Ten years from now when the Generation Y will have taken over we won’t believe we had it that way for so long. Our kids will blame us and perhaps even laugh at us. Time to wake up and toss that inefficient system away.

It drives people crazy, severely depressed and winds up making them lose all hope and self-confidence. I mean c’mon who in hell still believes in it? Not even recruiters… Though they won’t do shit about it because “that’s just the way it is.” I’m aware that this whole phenomenon may be more of an outrage for me given what I personally experienced abroad but still, how can the whole population give up so easily and work at McDonald’s with a master’s degree? How can you even accept that at all? It’s insane how nothing makes sense around me anymore.

You know something’s really wrong when it gets to a point where you pick a job depending on its schedule instead of its content. But on the other hand, when I look around and see my friends who are totally career-oriented to the extent I wonder if they know what private life means, I’m not envious of their lifestyles and goals at all. It’s actually freaking me out. I could never identify to any of their choices or dreams, and that’s just fine by me! Be crazy patient and slowly climb the social and professional ladder?? Makes me wanna throw up. For real like. When I look at them I realize how work is such an alienating thing and it comforts me in my will to always choose life over work. Time over money. Freedom over alienation.

But as I promised Grenoble to truly give it a fair chance this time, as I owe myself a try at being sedentary, I persist. And gosh I’m being real harsh to myself sometimes. Wow, I realize that taking it “one day at a time” brought me to one and a half month at bay today. Go me. But soon enough I remember that slow and relentless process of job hunting that has become my daily after-work routine… While at the moment, work is being a handy man for a big corporation. Humiliating.
That bitterness. Wasting my time trying to fit in. Fit in where? For what?? I’m worth better than that and I know it.

“You might not think it’s a way to live, but why not? Repeating the same tasks each day without ever having to think about them, isn’t that what everybody does? Keep things on repeat to go along with their TV shows and antidepressant. Isn’t that where it’s comfortable? In the sameness?”

But shit, what if you’re right and they’re wrong? The essence of life is to run from a dream to another, which when you get to one, it unveils the next one and so on – not just passively endure life putting up with a shitty stage after another like a helpless upside down turtle.

Truth is, in life most of us run from one deadline to the next. So afraid to slow down to a point where they could catch sight of that obvious masquerade. Someone dare telling me it’s not all smoke and mirrors. Always work more to sustain an upgraded lifestyle you don’t need to please people you hate. Now what if you stepped outside for a minute?

Truth is the more money your lifestyle requires, the more of a slave you are to the system. I hope one day you realize that all the gold in the world will never pay you back all the years that passed you by.

Getting tired of this big time fuck up of a day job Vincent?? Yes. That feeling of “being under-used, overqualified and no one gives a flying fuck” is a pretty heavy ass burden to wake up next to every morning. I mean how do you not wanna turn straight off crazy with such a boring lifestyle? I’m starting to feel depressed on account of how slow everything is, especially with the job hunting process… All I wanted was to get to use my brain doing a job in an area that would interest me a bit, at least for a couple months. Because yes, I wouldn’t commit for too long either just yet. That fear of eventually fitting in… Plus I’m still not 100% clear in my mind either, something that has to do with my best pal called Wanderlust I suppose.

Shit I’m starting to dream of Canada again, I’m slowly drifting… I feel weak, like I haven’t learned my lesson and I want more. Shut up Wanderlust, I’m so seriously. But ..? There’s not but. Because some roads you shouldn’t go down. Because maps used to say, “There be dragons here.” Now they don’t. But that don’t mean the dragons aren’t there. Old habits die hard.

Now I get it, this is the reason why “normal people” always keep it so busy, they never stop a second and never have a chill night on their own because they refuse to take time to think things through. Shit, I must have missed an episode here, since when is that what’s “normal”?? It’s a denial act, pure and simple.

How can you end up so numb? As such a perfect slave to society. Traveling sure has made an open-minded person out of me but an open-minded man that is ridiculously unfit for working in today’s society. And you turn on the news you get depressed over all those “new” world dramas. So you go out at night and end up in a pub where you’ll spend all the money you worked hard to make, in order to fix your depression, that was initially caused by work and monotony….. Vicious circle, isn’t it? Your life becomes a loop.

But drinking your sorrows away doesn’t work that well as it actually makes you feel depressed on a deeper level. How can you aspire to such kind of a life? Why would you follow the flock if you had any other option? I mean don’t you see?
All those doubts, always ready to surface any time the bar hits you a little too hard.

Once upon a time, work was something you did in order to finance the rest of your life. It was a truly dull moment that you had to endure for eight hours a day, five days a week for forty years to pay off your drinks, your drugs, your Christmas gifts, your food and a funeral worthy of the name. Work was work, leisure was leisure, life was: life.

Today most of us have issues drawing the line between private life and work. “If I were to only work thirty five hours a week, I wouldn’t know just what to do with all that spare time!” See, to me this is the heart of the problem. Since when is that something “normal” to dedicate all of your waking hours to your job??

But eventually you fatally punch the clock like the rest of us… And you’re telling me that’s the reason why gyms have never been so crowded, why bars manage to pour countless overpriced pints every night…. To kill boredom. To kill those “lame hours” between work and bed time.
What do normal people do when they get so sad? Matter of fact, what’s more difficult is not to have a final goal in mind. I realize that I always had a next trip in sight, something to dream of, something concrete to hold onto until the job was over. At some stage I’m gonna have to face the fact that I will never be totally fulfilled with a sedentary life.

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”

So enough complaining for now. The picture isn’t that dark after all, there’s also a bunch of ups in the balance about being back. You know you’re on the right path when looking back does no longer seem tempting. Well I’m not quite there yet but every day I give myself new reasons to stay here.

First of all, you gotta learn to distinguish a bad day from being in dire straits. You know in the movies how they always fast forward the “long and hardcore training months”, top it up with a motivating song and it all looks so swift and easy even you could do it? Well bad news, this is the real life here and you gotta endure every last bit of it, chew on every bite of the shit sandwich. Though everyone goes through a shitty day every now and again, doesn’t mean life sucks for so much. Because that’s just so easy to fall into depression but it takes so much more courage to remain positive and actually give it a chance despite the moments of doubt.

Today’s the first day in a long time that I’m home and without any worry. I’m slowly getting a sense of home. Of what it means and can provide. I know I’m doing well because I’m starting to timidly be looking forward to see what my brand new sedentary life is gonna look like six months from now, with a smile.

“If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.”

So it’s up to me to get out there and meet my friends and make new connections as well. To carry on with that painful job hunting and continue to climb a mountain any chance I’m given. Gotta get out of bed and fight for what I want on a daily basis. They say “good things come to those who wait”, but I’d rather say “good things come to those who have nothing to lose, and were not particularly waiting on anything.” Gotta accept to live slow. Embrace slowness. But always make sure to live to the fullest.

“I don’t get the rules here either, but I need to keep socializing myself. It’s good for me. Besides, these people seem normal.”

I went off travelling, looking for answers, for that epiphany… It didn’t come… Until I returned. Interesting how things work, and how travelling becomes work! All those years desperately searching for that promised land that never really existed… Was it even worth it at all in the end? Yes, every minute was and I’ll always remain a nomad at heart. Part with those who are in control of their destiny and not those who yield to fatality.

Today I realize that when I travel I’m unconsciously searching for the thrill of my first experience abroad. Truth is, no matter where I go, it’s getting more and more difficult to get anywhere near the excitement of those first years overseas. I realize it is the very same thing with love, partying and whatnot. We remember how sweet and exceptional our first times were and since our present life may not be as bright at the moment, we’re merely trying to recreate a known and successful situation from the past. How many times have you gone out drinking at that particular pub, not that you love it so much but only in the prospect of potentially relive that one crazy ass night you once had there years ago? How many times did you “accidentally fall in love” with a chick that was nothing but your ex-girlfriend look-alike?

Maybe I’m only feeling odd these days because I got nothing much left on my bucket list, like over the last job interview I got, I didn’t know just what to think of when asked for my wildest dream. Already made it come true. Gives you a sense of how good you did there eh. There’s something romantic in the act of saying “I’ve achieved my wildest goals”. I’ve been everywhere I wanted to go to and now I’m back. Being able to say that I’ve walked on the five continents and I’ve seen what there was to see. And I learned, oh boy did I learn. I may be back a different man but deep inside I’ll always be a nomadic wanderer so desperately in love with the open road and the unknown. I opened my mind to new horizons and I’ve seen the light. And the Northern Lights. I’m fulfilled; I can die a happy man now. So whatever happens next, it can only be a bonus. I won’t die a bitter old man. There’ll always be those sparkles in my eyes thanks to you all I met along the way. Big up for my nomads around the globe.

And you know Vincent, maybe there’s no heaven. Same as maybe there’s no perfect job to be found, maybe there’s no heaven at all. Maybe they tricked us into buying that crap too. You know – even despite the fact that I never quite believed in any sort of religion whatsoever – I’ve always thought one could always dream of heaven as a mysterious, warm and shiny place where to hide out sometimes when in need of self-comforting. Away from that noisy and confusing world desperately too full of people.

Hey by the way, have you seen the news lately? Each day 151,600 people die when we’re at 360,000 births/day. Do I really need to go further? I believe those numbers speak for themselves. And please don’t tell me you can’t see the problem here, don’t be like them, so alienated by their dreary routine they can’t look at the bigger picture anymore. You see there’s a massive spiky wall ahead of us all, a massive angry shitstorm. Question is, are we gonna do something about it?

Damn, life on the road was easier. Clearly while you’re on the loose, you don’t get a chance to think of all that as you cautiously made sure your lifestyle wouldn’t allow you to see the dark side of the matrix. At bay it’s different, you’re forced to dig in headfirst on your first day as a reminder. Do not stay away from the norm or else… The longer you remain one step ahead of reality, the more brutally it punches you right in the face when you return.

Remember those days when – a week after having literally experienced THE worst-case scenario on a far far-away forgotten corner of the world – you suddenly got a sense of not needing any answer any more. That was it, having overcome that traumatic misfortune, you got a sense that you should be grateful for merely being alive and well. All those troubles in your head could wait, they were there yesterday, they’re here now and they sure will be tomorrow when you wake up. So for the time being, you might as well enjoy the present moment and gaze upon the snow-caped Mont Taranaki. Breathtaking. When you don’t need any answers, there will be days like this.

You know, over this first month of total sedentary lifestyle in my hometown after six years away, I’ve had plenty of time to think this through while I was busy putting all sorts of screws and nails in aisle. Believe me, I did. So what’s in it? Tell me, what’s in it? I wanna know. What’s in a “regular career-oriented dreary routine” for me? I may not be so much of a needy person in general but still, this I wanna know. Does the extra comfort makes up for the lack of overall fun?

Truth is, you can’t sever of a part of yourself. I will never be content with a sedentary life for a part of me will always be haunted by the thoughts of all those scattered pieces of heaven I yet haven’t unexplored.

“When you’re travelling, you are what you are right there and then. People don’t have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.”

Until then I’ll do day jobs, where you’re totally interchangeable (how depressing), but where you’re respected, and the work environment and conditions are okay. And if that gets on my nerves too much I’ll quit and do nothing but enjoy the surrounding mountains until I find a decent opportunity. Because life too is momentary, and work shouldn’t be at the center of it anyhow.

“Si no sabes hacia donde se dirige tu barco, ningún viento te será favorable.”
“If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable.”

LXXIV/ One day at a time

Good morning Vincent. Check out the sun that’s slowly rising up above all those imposing mountains. Feel that little breeze stroking your hair and let the light in. Wake up and smell the millennium. Damn Grenoble, you’re gorgeous. I finally feel like I’m ready to start a new relationship with you. Of course, considering everything I’ve been through, I will never be the same again. To think of that party beast I once was when our paths split six years ago. Today I can hardly recall that guy. So many beautiful scars have marked my body and heart over time but for some reason I want to believe it’s still me I’m facing in the mirror. I need to believe it. I need to believe there is a connection somewhere. Or else I’ll just sink back into what I do best; jumping headfirst in the first airplane I see into the unknown and vanish in thin air for another couple of years. And quite frankly that I can’t afford any longer.

I been tempted so badly to cross that border when I was the Pyrenees last month but deep inside I knew I had to resist the temptation, I had to be stronger than usual. I had to confront my demons and say no to the easy way-out as I only lately found out that by traveling too much, one gets lost. It now strikes me that somewhere along the road, somewhere along the years away from home, I simply got lost. This may be the toughest realization I’ve had to face in my life. It ain’t easy to admit to being lost and it’s even harder to trying to figure out the very moment when that occurred. How long had I been lost for? How could one lose their way while doing what one’s heart dictates? Where did I get so lost? How did I not figure that out sooner?

Was it when I forgot what it was like to live in one place for more than 6 months? Wasn’t it three years ago after my first travel burnout? Maybe it was, and it’s most likely because back then I had not realized yet that traveling was a potentially harmful addiction. And going back abroad again was after all just like shooting myself in the foot. You don’t fight lung cancer by lighting up a cigarette. How could I know then that another flight ticket was not gonna answer any question but only finish off what was left of my brain instead?

In order to figure out when did I cross that line, we’ll need to rewind a little. I won’t go back into all those years of nomadic ecstasy and intensified life as I fear to drown into painfully beautiful memories that would only reopen wounds from the past instead of trying to get some perspective on it all. Because some roads you shouldn’t go down. This time I won’t flee again. So I’ll only take you back three months ago, when I got home from my latest two-year long round-the-world trip with finally some drive to settle down for some time with no next-trip in sight.

Earlier through the summer I was very enthusiastic about that farm job I got myself over in Brittany. I genuinely thought “good, that will most likely help me to put down roots and chase that need for elsewhere away”. Turned out the job was great but I couldn’t get along with my employer at all and it’s only been a matter of a week before I blew it up and quit. One week Vincent… Sadly “Peace love farm” didn’t last very long.

Only a nomad does not simply quit a job without taking a trip then. To us it’s just like the after-sex cigarette. And off I went. Simply jumped on my car and what was initially gonna be a reunion with some good old mates quickly turned into a two-month road trip around France. Over more than 5.000 kilometers, my tour de France took me to so many different regions and gosh I think I forgot what a diversified country we have. Been to snow-caped mountains, gorgeous lakes, welcoming cities, tiny villages, refreshing rivers, and many other beautiful horizons. But most importantly, I had the opportunity to catch up with many great friends of mine, all being some sort of nomads themselves. What I probably loved most was the fact that nothing was planned eh, it all occurred at the spur of the moment, allowing me to be totally free of my every move.

Not that I’m trying to come up with an excuse to travel always a little more but on the road you meet many nomads that commonly tell you that they’ve explored the whole world but often haven’t even wandered around their own backyard. The difference is that I do. And lucky me, my country’s got a lot to offer.

The aim of this trip was to go through my nomad list and discuss nomad issues with a bunch of experts. See how they deal with their nomad heart at home. Try and find solutions to fit in society and find myself a closet where to put my backpack away.
Today I’m a severely damaged nomad that refuses to believe that there isn’t something else to life than just work and sedentary life. All in all we’re just like soldiers coming home having lived a far too emotional experience far away from home and just can’t manage to find their place back in a society that doesn’t understand them. A society that doesn’t match with what they became. How can you wanna make this your reality when you’ve flirted with pure heaven once in remote lands?

Because yes, everything seems so much brighter and interesting while on the road. Why can’t life continue to be as meaningful when we go home? This is probably when I started to consider my nomadism as an addiction. The more I think of it, the more similarities I can spot with drug addiction. I mean just take a look at it; anytime we feel low, we snort another border. Any irritating situation, any conflict on our way, we just avoid them by falling back to what we believe will provide us with a momentary way-out.

We refuse to face the fact that we’re addicted and yet we can’t possibly consider a life without our drug of choice. We just never get enough. We barely got our nostril full of a new culture and language, in our minds we’re already onto the continent we’ll shoot up next. We spend all of our money on it, every last dime we make is gonna be spent on drugs. In fact, we even work with this only goal in mind. Why else would one work in the first place?? And of course, as addicts, we are exposed to breathtaking comedowns – which would be a flight back home. Without drugs, life quickly gets slow and boring. The truth is, the more you travel, the more you will be madly obsessed with traveling and the more your whole life will revolve around it.

“Not all those who wander are lost”, remember? Not all of them, so be it. Some, perhaps… Damn, what’s happened to me? Which turn did I miss? Where did I get so lost? All those questions in my head… I needed answers and I figured that the road that had been my best friend for so long owed me some of them.

“Everyone wants an Argentina, a place where the slate is wiped clean. But the truth is Argentina, is just Argentina. No matter where we go we take ourselves and our damage, with us. So is home the place we run to, or is it the place we run from? Only to hide out in places where we’re accepted, unconditionally, places that feel more like home to us. Because we can finally be who we are.”

I find myself in a spot where I’m desirous of everything and its opposite. I envy the wealthy and I envy the poor, I envy the guy who got a cushy job and I envy the one that’s chasing after his dream job not making any money. I envy the backpackers and I envy the ones who got it steady. And if you were to ask me again tomorrow same time, my answer would be totally different. Never have I ever been so unstable in my mind, in my desires. No worries, I just can’t follow any longer so I don’t expect you to. Lately I often get a sense of internal confusion, like my desires parade in my head too fast for my brain to process them all. This is exactly what I mean when I say I’m lost.

I found out that doing a personal retreat is what you need in order to clear out your mind and getting drunk with old bros is what you need to find answers. Or hints. So it made sense to alternate periods of this trip between colorful mates and solo adventures.

So at some stage I quite randomly I picked the Pyrenees as new playground. Let’s hope I’ll find new forms of healing over there. And here I am, currently living solo in my car for seven days and seven nights, taking a hike a day, lost in the mountains somewhere between France and Spain. I may not shower daily and when I do, it’s often in lakes or rivers – but to tell you the truth, I never felt this clean on the inside. To take a morning dip in a mountain lake, what on earth makes you feel more alive? So here I stand, with my dick and my knife, alone with myself. I can hear a voice in my head telling me that there’s nothing a new playground can’t cure. Above the clouds, above troubles.

Home isn’t that bad after all. It’s actually pretty wicked if you ask me. Though this kinda realization may only come from within. Countless times I’d been told that before. Just needed to push it a little further to find out for myself. Of course I could have buy a tent and camp like normal people do. Would have cost me something like a hundred bucks including some campsite fees sometimes. Only, the way I see it, I’d much rather spend that extra cash in fuel and explore a little further.

If you were to look at my itinerary on a map, you’d call me crazy. Indeed, in order to get to my next dot, many times I turned around and drove back on the same road I came from, adding a couple extra miles and hours of driving. But it didn’t matter to me. It was never only gonna take me miles closer to my new objective. To do whatever you want, whenever you want. Isn’t that what we should always do in order to be true to oneself?

When the mountain stole your heart, everything comes from it and everything takes you back there. There’s just something about nature and open-spaces. Something that makes us humans look ugly. ‘Loneliness is dangerous. It’s addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don’t wanna deal with people.’ Speaking of which, last person I talked to was a marmot. I begin to wonder whether I ever been so close to myself. High level of self-awareness these days.

It’s good to make time to find myself alone. It’s good to make time to find myself. I’m gradually healing. This trip is a decompression chamber, a smooth way to land after all those far-away trips. I’m catching up with France. I’m reproducing all I did overseas all those years of wandering around. I feel like I kinda cheated on you France with a bunch of other countries. Time to make peace.

And in order to sleep in a regular car for a week in the mountains on rough terrain after taking day treks every day, well let me tell you one thing son, you better love what you’re doing it for. Me. I’m doing it for me and my need for answer. One of the fundamental recurrent question is what am I gonna do with my life? Because deep inside I feel like I’m back to square one ever since I left that farm.

“Never be so focused on what you’re looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”

On the road you don’t quite get to call the shots. You merely yield to the wildest temptation. Though this blissful solitude is starting to pay off and I begin to gather pieces of answers together. I realized that my freedom is what I value the most. I figured I had to get an outdoor job. I have to do something that would make me feel proud of myself.

“Ignoring your passion is slow suicide. Never ignore what your heart pumps for. Mold your career around your lifestyle, not your lifestyle around your career.”

But also I found out a bunch of stuff about me. Like the fact that I enjoy having many lives and maybe, just maybe, I don’t wanna change. I figured if I had to make a fundamental career choice now, I’d be broke and be forced to. I figured I’ll just go with the flow, try stuff and just blow everything if it’s not a match.

Let’s face it, I am different. I am suffering from the escape syndrome. Travel eventually becomes all you know. After a couple months in one spot, I get anxious and restless and I need to make a move again. Any difficulty I encounter, I pack my things up and take off. The escape syndrome, that’s all I know, it’s my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. And so we run right back to what we know best like a drunk that stumbles in the street searching for his house knowing he’s got one. Trouble is, no matter what I do, I keep living for the day. I cannot see further than the end of my trip. And it’s hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain.

Just as much as I am somehow proud to be able to live for the day – and I know people that would love to be able to do so as well – I can also see how this is not gonna help me to settle down anytime soon. To think that I used to get utterly mad at those who were interpreting my traveling as a way to run away. Not saying that they were a hundred percent right but today I’m forced to admit that I see this under a different light.

It’s incredibly hard to find your place amongst the sedentary when you’ve always lived on the road. In many situations, I’m left wondering what would normal people do if they were me. Like I’m not one of them. Like i’m doing research on the differences between our two respective species.
The rest of the people, always the rest of the people, when all I need is not to see them. I was mad at myself for this ability to suffer from people’s flaws, people I had no sympathy for. How in hell could people that could not make me happy could manage to make me unhappy? It’s a mystery. “You’ve got to favor yourself”, said my grand-mother. Easy to say.

“If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair, you’re fooling yourself. That’s like expecting the wolf not to eat you because you didn’t eat him.”

Damn I just realized this mess in my head could be a valid reason to go see a shrink. You’re gonna have to be good with your self-therapy Vinz. Because every time I look back on what I accomplished on the road, each time I die a little inside. My heart drops and I have tears in my eyes.

The past may be some kind of a safe place to hide because by definition it’s behind you now, and nothing will ever distort it. On the contrary, over time you’ll just carry on eliminating the bad and magnifying the good. So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past. Only it may affect your present if you dwell on it for too long as nothing beats an altered memory. So beat on young fella, because the bridge is burning. And don’t look back until you’re sure the future may only be brighter than your past accomplishments. Learn not to look back and fall back into what you know best because I’m no longer sure it’s leading anywhere on the long run. Besides, comparison is the end of all joy.

But let’s look into the bright side, you got yourself thousands of traveling tales to dream of tonight. You’re my hero. Sometimes you’ve got to be your own hero, remember? Help’s gotta come from within if you truly wanna overcome this and not flee again. So now look at who you’ve become in the eye and be proud of it all, and understand there’s gotta be very shitty moments to go through if you wanna keep on reaching those heights in life.

After laughter comes tears they say. Can’t continue to endlessly postpone those issues forever. I have to believe that there is another way out, and believe me it takes a tremendous dose of courage to face it and give up the escape option. I gotta give myself the means to face this challenge of a new kind. Let’s not try and turn the page this time, so how about grabbing a new book? Yeah, I sure like the sound of that. Time to man up, cow-boy.

Today the little holiday is over and I’m back to my hometown. Just hit the second phase of readjustment, the lasting bit. I’m aware if I wanna make it I’m gonna have to soldier on and put up a major fight. A fight against myself and my demons. A decisive fight with high stakes; my mental health.
As I’ve been told, the secret is to take it one day at a time. Little by little. Don’t try and make long-term plans and think on a grand scale but think of what you’ll be doing today in concrete terms in order to get somewhere. If you overthink it, you’ll freak out and get the hell out of here before having given it a proper try. Go out, see your friends, make new ones and learn to master your fear when the music stops.

And every time I’ll be on edge, about to lose it, I will take a big breath and calmly repeat myself: “one day at a time young man, one day at a time”. Don’t overthink it. Just let go. Don’t harm yourself. Listen to your heart. Be a friend to yourself. I decided I should make myself a king instead of beating myself up, because after all, I love the person I’ve become and I believe in me. And if I had to do it all over again I’d do it without hesitation.

LXXIII/ Not all classrooms have four walls

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”

Hello France. Long time no see eh? Damn, I realize it’s been a long while I haven’t written either. You know sometimes life gets so intense that your only choice is to soak it all up and hope for quieter times to get a chance to write it all down. Wait for quieter times to digest it all. Sometimes there’s just so much going on in your life that you best just stand aside, be a spectator and learn. No time to take notes, as there’s always more coming in.

Because, hell, it’s been a heck of a long journey. Here I’m not even sure whether I’m referring to those past intense four months in Asia or to the uninterrupted two-year-long journey around the globe that I’m just coming home from. Or was I referring to those past seven years during which I hardly spent a couple months tops living in France?

See, even I get confused. But as I like to say, when you don’t know where to start, just start somewhere. So let’s take a moment here to take off my hiking shoes, sit back and straighten things out. I have been home for a couple weeks now and this is hardly the first opportunity for me to have a moment to myself where I can write a little and hence, try and put everything I have been through into perspective.

When I think of it, it’s funny to realize how full of energy you are while traveling as everything is a challenge in itself, to go shopping, to find accommodation for the night, to survive another twelve hour bus ride, to communicate with locals, to undertake a ten day trek, to merely cross the road downtown Hanoi, to cope with an almost permanent upset stomach while doing all of the above…

And now that I’m back home, I find myself to be kinda lacking energy just to carry on with the easiest daily routine one can ever have. Given those past four months where I had to fight my way through a one step above challenging Asia, I suppose it’s merely because my nerves ultimately got the better of me. It’s like I’ve been under so much permanent pressure and stress, always having to keep my guards up, constantly having to keep an eye on my backpack not to be robbed, haggle for hours for any given spending – from a motel room to a handful of peanuts, every other day having to think of what’s gonna be the next step, how to get there, look up flight tickets, hotels, go through hundred reviews, struggle with their shitty Wi-Fi, spend half of your days trying not to be scammed (too much) and so on… Please believe me when I say that long-term traveling is more than a full-time job in itself.

And so now that I’m back in “safe territories”, I am just falling in love with how simple life is around here. Anything you need, anything you want, you know where to find it and for what price. Back in Asia, I once heard: “Nope mam’ you can’t haggle here, this is a fixed price” and the lady went like “A fixed price?? What does it mean?!” It says a lot about how things work down there. However even if you make mistakes or get scammed, it’ll never really affect your overall budget that much. Like you pay 40 cents for a pack of cigarettes, same amount for a beer… In some places, rum was even cheaper than bottled water.

But damn, what can I say, it’s just so good to be back to such an easy lifestyle we have up here in Europe. Of course in two weeks I probably spent more money than I did in about two months’ time back in Asia but gosh, you can’t put a price on how laidback this all makes me feel. And shit, let’s say it… THE FOOD. Gosh I’m never going away from our delicious cheese again for so long.

Again, it’s funny to realize that what I love about being back is the very reason that had me run away all those years… The need for adventure and unknown combined together with the boredom and fear associated to routine and monotony.
Ain’t nothing your body likes better than routine. On the contrary ain’t nothing more damaging to the adventurer’s mind than routine. And yet here I stand, torn between the mind and the body’s needs.

Of course what we call the “reverse culture shock” hit me pretty hard over the first weeks I was back. Though now I’m used to being back again and to my greatest enchantment I have no desire to leave again anytime soon. I feel like I’m healed. Cured from my perpetual need for elsewhere.

Over time, traveling through those third world kinda countries, I’ve come to wonder what the fuck was I doing there, whether my mere presence there wasn’t kinda insulting to the local population. What’s the sense of all that? To do some “sightseeing” where the locals often can barely afford to feed themselves properly. To enjoy “being rich for once” sipping on cocktails in places where most people have their belt going around their waist twice so they’re skinny… Given everything you witness on a daily basis, at some stage you come to seriously wonder why the fuck do we flush toilets with drinking water at home but let’s not go there now.

So I decided maybe it was time for me to withdraw from the world of travels, or at least temporarily. I needed to head back some place where I’m just a random local that can easily blend in and no longer be a “wealthy white kid” amongst the “yellow or black”. I decided to take a break from all that. I decided my tortured mind deserved some peace and quiet at long last.

“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

No more crazy honking in the streets, no more people delousing each other on the sidewalks, no more scams at every corner, no more chaotic cities giving you a taste of the end of the world. No more headaches trying to figure out their bus or train system, their incomprehensible schedules, their fucked-up ticket selling points and so on. No more “same same but different”, no more sign language, no more struggles. No more days where your personal space gets repeatedly violated, no more “good price for you sir”, no more mosquitos biting your calves in their dodgy buses while you’re praying for your life to a god you never believed in.

You know you’ve been backpacking for (too?) long when nearly nothing that is in your backpack is part of your initial pack. Time’s up nomads, I’m headed home.

Because no matter how romantic it may seem at first glance, traveling long term is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends. You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things: air, sleep, dreams, sea, the sky – all things tending towards the eternal or what we imagine of it.

These days I have a pretty strong need for comfort – all that comfort I’d given up so long ago. Once I caught up on my cravings for cheese, my next need was for new stuff, just like I needed some renewal in my life globally speaking. To get new clothes, treat myself in many ways – things I had not done in years. By doing all that I got a sense of starting a new life, which is nice. Once I posted “I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine” and some friend cleverly answered something I didn’t quite understand at the time; “hasn’t traveling become kinda your routine?”
I can see now how she was totally right.

Having been gone for two years straight this time, I can totally see that there’s a major difference with all those times I took off for a year. My vision on the world has totally shifted. Now the wind is blowing on my back and I only see the reasons why I can. I found out that everything, every place may look like what you want it to. Hence even home can be a wicked place if you decide that’s what it should be like. You know, not all classrooms have four walls.

“I was obsessively bound to movement, drugged with space. I was chasing after time, believing it was hiding just over the horizon. The vigorous use of time may offset its fast pace, and that’s how I dealt with its swift passage. A free man possesses time. A man who dominates space is merely powerful. In cities, the minutes, hours and years escape us. In the country, time grows calm. It lies at your feet like a good old dog and suddenly, you’ve even forgotten it is there. I am free because my days are.”

There’s an old saying about traveling, that when you travel, you not only get a new perspective on the world, but you also get a new perspective on home.

LXXII/ Ask more than you answer

“Eat when there’s food, take a piss when there’s a bathroom, drink when there’s water, sleep when you get a chance and so on.”

So I was told prior setting out to the Philippines. And that turned out to be a pretty valuable piece of advice I got right there as these travels through Asia are turning out to be much more challenging than anything I did so far. First step; gotta lower your western standards big time.

“The world is not in your books and maps, it’s out there.”

If there’s one thing I noticed that is common throughout Southeast Asia it is how absolutely everything is just ridiculously chaotic and seem impossible but strangely enough, someway somehow, it almost always miraculously works out just fine. Only carried out in a total different manner than what you – as a westerner – were expecting. Nothing is ever for sure and everything is always changing. It just goes beyond our understanding is all. Anyone of you that’s already been to S.E. Asia will know what I’m talking about.

For instance, unlike what we’re used to, here when you need to arrange transportation you don’t just get on the internet and get a ticket, nah that would be way too easy. First of all, most places don’t have an internet connection at all and second, even when you miraculously get online, it’s only to find out that ain’t absolutely nothing online; no schedule, no info, no website, no transparency, no nothing. Actually when you’re browsing the net you systematically find everything and its opposite, which is so confusing that you quickly just leave it alone.
DSC07797So here it is, you gotta do it the local way. Gotta interact with a local, knowing that most of the times you have no language in common and a total different culture. You are aware that it seems like they have no clue whatsoever what you want, that they could perfectly misunderstand and fix you a buko shake instead of a boat ride to the next island but someway somehow, in the end it’s gonna work out. And believe me every time it works out, it is already a little miracle in itself. Of course it will never be the way you expected it to be, never on time, never really easy and often far from being stress-free given that up until the point where you’re actually arrived, you’re never sure where you’re headed, never sure that you won’t get tossed out of the bus half-way through the journey at some random spot with no further explanation and so on.

“You have not lived until you have fled a city in a country where you do not speak the language in the middle of the night.”

And right when you think your bus will make no more stop until its destination as there’s absolutely no more seats available at all, that’s precisely when another 15 new passengers come in. Basically they gonna keep on packing it up till it gets so cramped that you literally can’t even reach your water bottle anymore. Later on they eventually took another 5 passengers in. Those guys ended up traveling on the rooftop (literally) – hanging onto our backpacks that god-knows-how were strapped up there. And off we went for another couple hours through the jungle. I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.

“Adventure, yeah. I guess that’s what you call it when everybody comes back alive.”

Found out in the Philippines about what they call “Island Time” (say a common 2 to 3 hour delay) which later turned out to be something that applies to S.E. Asia in general. Only don’t think that you can just turn up at your bus stop an hour late and “be on time”, nope that’d just be too easy as well. Sometimes you’re told you’d be picked up at 6 and it actually means that your bus is gonna leave the town at 6 and so they may totally pick you up by 5 as they got several pick-ups to do all across the city. Yes you got it, when you got to catch a bus ride or anything like it, be sure to be there roughly an hour early and bear in mind that from there you could totally spend 3 hours waiting and still not be sure that your “booking” has ever been taken in account. Welcome to mindfuck-land.
DSCF2308XAnd in case you were thinking “yeah whatever, I could just throw more cash in and go through a better travel agency so I don’t have to fuck around so much.” Well I’m sorry pal but ain’t no better company around here. Let me get this straight; each and every company is fucked up one way or another and so such kind of plan B is not part of your options.
I gotta say it takes quite a while to adjust but before you know it, you no longer worry about what time the bus, train or boat arrives, you just accept that you will get there whenever you get there and it doesn’t take long until you consider an 8 hour ride a short journey.

“I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.”

For the record, several times we’ve had to change our whole itinerary just because there was just no way to get to the spots we wanted to check out. In the Philippines you often end up going where they’re ok to take you rather than where you were initially planning on going to, as there’s just no choice and you don’t quite have a say. No matter where you’ll wind up, just go with the decision that’ll make for a good story.

“Greatness is not in where we stand but in what direction we are moving. We must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it. But sail we must. And not drift. Nor lie at anchor.”

Makes me think of something else that is pretty common in Southeast Asia; whenever you book a certain type of room, a certain type of transportation or even a certain tour with this and that option, when you pay extra for a little bit of extra comfort or anything like that, always bear in mind that NOTHING IS EVER GUARANTEED. Matter of fact most options you pay extra for are just widespread scams as at the end of the day everyone will get the very same standard service. It’s gotta be upsetting at first but to be fair you quickly get used to it and soon enough, when you actually get hot water for your shower or when the fan in sorta working in you room, it’s a little like a Xmas in August.

Of course, all those times you get ripped off you could just run down to the reception and make a fuss about it, yes, you will try that the first time, maybe even the second time as well. Only you’ll find out that about the “no english” thing and quickly you’ll just give up, get back to your crappy room and learn to be content with what you got as that’s just the way it is. Gotta face it, there’s just no point in arguing with them as it’ll just get you nowhere and could only drive you even more mad. Now whether or not they actually don’t speak English at all or they’re just pretending so they don’t have to put up with guests at all, this is another story. Because ripped off you will be, and countless times so you better get used to it. Matter of fact I believe that scams currently represent roughly 20 to 30% of my daily budget.

You never gonna pay twice the same price for a given item and you’re gonna have to haggle from dawn to dusk, from the price of your hotel room to a bag of roasted peanuts. Sometimes you just wanna say “just tell me the price and let me enjoy it” but it doesn’t work that way and it is tiring sometimes. That is probably one of the main reasons why most Westerners can’t handle it for very long.
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And this takes us right to the next topic; the “meaningless yes”. Again, whoever has spent time around here will join me on this, whatever you say, whatever you ask, you will always be answered a “yes” accompanied by a blank stare that clearly means that the person has no clue whatsoever what you’re talking about. Sure it sounds funny when you read it but I assure you that it gets veeeeery frustrating on a daily basis. Never take a “yes” for an answer, always rephrase a couple times with the simplest words, mime it, draw it when you can and always use open-ended questions otherwise you’ll just get your standard “yes” that means nothing at all. And once again, bear in mind that even when you take all those precautions, you may very well not be understood at all and you may have to find an answer some other place. Once I even had a lady telling me “yes yes yes” while she was distinctively shaking her head. Mindfuck-land I’m telling you.

Or maybe it is not so much of a mindfuck-land, maybe it is just something called culture shock. I have to say, all along my travels, I had never experienced such degree of a culture shock. Indeed it is very disorienting to lose your ability to communicate, especially when even your memes are often not good enough to get you through because of the culture difference this time. You may find yourself to be as good as mute sometimes and it ain’t easy when you gotta get things done.

“When you travel, remember that a foreign country is not designed to make you comfortable. It is designed to make its own people comfortable.”

Like at the restaurant, if you manage to have them take your order right, you’re the luckiest guy on earth. In fact quite often you can sorta tell that they did not get it right from the moment you ordered but again, knowing only too well the hassle due to the language barrier, most of the time you just can’t be fucked arguing for half an hour and get nowhere anyway. So you just kinda let go and let them bring you whatever they believed you wanted without moaning about it as you’re aware that there’s just no point, and sometimes their mistakes turn into beautiful culinary discoveries.
And you better be happy with what they bring you because here everything takes time. Matter of fact, here you don’t go to the restaurant when you’re just starting to get hungry or worse – already hungry, no, you gotta get there at least an hour beforehand otherwise you’ll end up starving to death waiting on your food.
DSC07537But that’s just the way it is, you gotta adjust, again and again. Like at the hotel, independently from the fact that you actually paid for it, if there’s even the weakest wifi signal at the place you’re staying at, if you got working AC in your room, then again consider yourself fortunate. Gradually you learn or relearn to appreciate every tiny bit of comfort, anything you’re offered.
The measure of intelligence is the ability to adapt.

Now regarding the food, basically it’s kind of a constant love/hate thing. Sometimes you get lucky and the food’s amazing and the next day you wake up and you’d rather die than shoving one more grain of rice in your mouth. And let me tell you one thing, you have experienced nothing until you’ve had snake soup for breakfast several days in a row.

When traveling off the beaten path in Vietnam, at the restaurant, it is not uncommon to go and give them a hand in the kitchen. Then considering the fact that most restaurants do their dishes in a bucket directly on the sidewalk, right outside the restaurant, you better systematically wipe your bowl and chopsticks down prior eating if you don’t wanna get sick. Also you’ll get used to throw everything on the ground as they got no bins and it pretty much is the custom up here. Food leftover, cigarette butts, beer bottles and so on, it all ends up on the floor. It is there before you settle down, and will remain after you’re gone. Probably makes the cleaning easier after all.

Today we’re driving 200km. When I asked the driver how long would that take, suggesting a 3 to 4 hour drive counting large, he pissed herself laughing and said “nah, more like 8 or 9 hours without breaks”. What I didn’t take into account was the global condition of the roads around there that was just so bad that you just can’t go over 30kmph. To travel is to learn to let go. It is the ultimate learning that sometimes you win, sometimes you learn. To travel is to accept that you don’t control a thing and most likely the best option is to forget all you thought you knew and accept to be blindly guided through those foreign lands. If you don’t let the voyage destroy you a bit, you might as well just stay home.

“Like all great travellers, I have seen more than I remember, and remember more than I’ve seen.”
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Many times in Asia I’ve had the feeling that I was travelling back in 1950. It is nothing pejorative though, this is just a comment. And during this trip more than ever, I misjudged many people. The worst-looking folks often proved to be some of the most interesting and the ones that I could quickly bound with almost always ended up getting on my nerves.

Because I yet have so many things to learn. I realize I’m only at the dawn of the discovery of the second part of the world; the third world countries. I find it fascinating to humbly compare Western and Oriental cultures and habits. Anywhere I been in Asia so far (outside the touristy areas), I could spend hours talking to a local that had no English at all and try and have some sort of a conversation nonetheless. Try and overcome the language barrier thanks to mimes, patience and creativity. Everyone smiles in the same language.
It is just ridiculous how different our two cultures are, and on so many levels. Though just as much as I’m a couple hundred percent positive that our two worlds are not made to be mixed with each other, I truly believe that we both yet have much to learn from each other.

“I can’t think of anything that excites a greater sense of childlike wonder than to be in a country where you are ignorant of almost everything.”
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And even though it is just mind-blowing how most places in Asia are loud, chaotic and polluted, if you wander off the beaten track you may very well find hidden gems. Once I ended up staying at a very basic campsite lost on a secluded beach. This was the most remote and inaccessible part of the island, matter of fact you could only get there by boat.

“It is not down in any map; true places never are.”

Well you know what, I felt like I was actually relaxed for the very first time in my life. No wifi, no shower, no phone signal, no amenities, nobody, no notion of time, no nothing. The ultimate calm and quiet. At long last, a proper vacation. No phone, no laptop, no watch, no digital screen of any sort, and no feeling of guilt whatsoever. Nothing to worry about, nothing to do but to chill out and explore the island, disconnected from this world for good for an entire week. Never ever have I felt anything like that before, such level of serenity and relaxation. Totally off the grid.
DSC06803No stress, no worries, no connection with the outside world at all. The time has stopped. The world out there may very well collapse you wouldn’t have a clue and that’s got to be the best feeling in the world. You know sometimes words fail.

“The greatest justification for travel is not self-improvement but rather performing a vanishing act, disappearing without a trace.”

When thinking about life, remember this; no amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of anxiety can change the future.

LXXI/ Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known

“Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you, and he needs money.”

I’m truly amazed at how long it took me to find out why some periods of my life just weren’t that great. It took me a long while to figure out that it wasn’t anyone’s fault, that it wasn’t my fault either, that I wasn’t just being depressed or not made for this world. It took me a while to find out that you were really either an urban or a rural kind of person.
Damn, all those years I’ve sorta wasted trying to fit in cities where altogether I could just never find my place, without ever understanding why. All those jobs I got behind front desks of crowded and noisy establishments… Gosh I’m so glad there was that voice inside my head that every now and then would whisper ‘keep on walking big guy, find your own path and follow it fearlessly. And never doubt yourself, you just haven’t found the right place for your talents yet.’

“Do not believe the things you tell yourself when you’re sad and alone.”

To work so much and so hard without ever getting any particular kind of recognition truly humbles you down over time. Another reason why I like it so much around here is probably also because I feel safe, my very only source of stress being to go shopping in town once a fortnight. Don’t get me wrong though, this ain’t no agoraphobia we’re talking about here, but probably just pure misanthropy again. All those noisy people running around in such unfriendly and overcrowded environments – as supermarkets may be – are just too numerous, too rushed, too stupid, too hectic, too loud, too much to handle… They’re just simply too disturbing to my peaceful life.

Damn, I realize all the best friends I made lately just hate people in general, and I’m pretty sure that’s precisely what got us close in the first place.
Because while this whole world is tumbling down from financial greed, superficiality and insanity – when I’m no longer sure where I fit in – those cows just calm my soul. A band-aid to my headaches.

“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.”

Because it’s a never-ending journey. I can visit the same place three times, and still find new things to see and do, all unrelated, which gives me the drive to continue on my travels.
Because no matter how much I travel, there will always be remote and untouched places that we barely know about, and they are often found in the shadow of the big well-known places, sitting there all unassuming, quiet, and beautiful. Sitting in the shadow of Queenstown, for instance, is nearby Glenorchy, which has so much more to offer, and no tourists. You know there are things that pictures just don’t show. Those are photos you take with your eyes.

Because even after all those years of on-the-road adventures, tales and stories, I still don’t wanna settle down. You know it’s always the same thing, as long as you don’t choose, everything remains possible. For if there was some sort of a perfect country somewhere, you’d stop traveling and that’d be tragic to your nomad heart.

“It’s so easy when you’re buried in something to feel like that is the only way of living, but when you get a glimpse of freedom, you can either choose to pursue it or go back to hide in your burial ground.”

Because it’s just so easy to live day to day down here.  That wanderer’s life where six months a year you get to live like every day is a Saturday, that priceless feeling that every day above ground is a great day. What gets you out of bed each morning is the belief that somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I’ll bet they’d live a lot differently. You know it’s not so much about the width, it’s about the depth.

“The mountains are calling, I must go.”

One of this year’s learning I’m most proud of is to have learned to relish the good moments as they occur, and no longer once they have passed me by. Sometimes, there is no next time, no time-outs, no second chances. Sometimes it’s now or never.
I’ve learned not to plan too far ahead. Spares you a great deal of time to live in the present you’ll see. I’ve learned that whatever comes up, the sooner you’ll have accepted it, the sooner you’ll have gotten over it.

Took me a while to figure out that just because people don’t do things your way – just because they don’t think and act like you, doesn’t necessarily mean they are morons. Nope Vincent, they aren’t all the kind of guys that could drown in ten inches of water, those guys just work differently. They’re just not wired the same way – which may seem like it is upside down to you at first glance – but remember, to them you are the weirdo.
I found out that – too often  –  there is an immense gap between what you’re told and what you wanna hear, and to remain aware of it at all times is most likely one of the most difficult things.

“The truth doesn’t care what your opinion is.”

Because I’m starting to realize that traveling is often only glamorous in retrospect. But if you look at it closely, so does life. What you’re up to now, who you’re hanging out with will only turn into something beautiful to tell in a couple years’ time. Anyway guys, thanks for the memories.
Write drunk. Edit sober.

Another year spent in the most remote lands, another year filled with much learning and realizations, another turning point of my life getting to an end. Only a couple weeks to go in NZ, just sold my van and got my tickets to Asia… I’d like it all to go on forever and ever just the way it is but you know, even the most beautiful day has its sunset.

“We’re only as good as the promises we keep.”

LXX/ It’s both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply

“There are people who would love to have your bad days.”

You wanna know what’s really bugging me lately? Well here it is; what you dislike in somebody’s behavior is evidently something you subconsciously dislike about yourself. [Here I invite you to take a break and think it through.] I hate to say but this is awfully true to life.
Also, I find it fascinating the tendency that we have to only see what we want to see in people we just met, this way of wanting at all costs to meet a certain type of person who meets our expectations, and so we picture that imaginary person and we do our best to make this new encounter fit into that mold we just completely made up, only it never lasts very long.

If you look at it closely, you’ll find out that we also do that with jobs, nights out, holidays and so on. But soon enough, reality catches up on us. Sooner or later we have to face the fact that we wanted to believe in it so bad that we got to a point where we kinda lied to ourselves for a while. Friendship, love, work and whatnot; by maintaining high expectations we always end up hurting ourselves. That person that just popped into our life isn’t the one you idealized; it’s just another human being  with its own qualities, but also its own flaws – which it took us a while to admit. You know, it’s both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.”

You know what, over time I’ve come to realize that my terrible need for justice combined together with the fact that I’m a goddamn perfectionist are the two major causes of all my struggles. I’m aware of it and yet I just can’t do fuck all about it. What do you want, you just can’t go against your nature I suppose. What I’m getting at is that the older I grow, the less fine souls I’m able to find on my way. Or maybe the great peeps of my life have made me too exigent over time, go figure. All I know is that finding someone you can really connect with is like winning the lottery – it happens basically never, but if it does, you really shouldn’t blow it.

“I don’t know how people can fake whole relationships. I can’t even fake a hello to somebody I don’t like.”

They say the most difficult challenge when you feel down is to not look back and get all melancholic. For I’ve done that a number of times, let me tell you one thing; nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they were. Sounds harsh, I know, but really that’s what it is. Comparison is the death of joy.

“I realized that I was holding on to something that didn’t exist anymore. That the person I missed doesn’t exist anymore. ”

Some memories are better off untouched. Plunging yourself back into the beautiful memories of your past thinking that it would be great to give it a go and relive those moments again is like trying to fall back asleep after having been awakened too soon – interrupted right in the middle of the sweetest dream. Let’s face it, it doesn’t work that way.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

Sometimes the best way to prove someone that he’s wrong is to let him continue his path. For I’ve been there, telling someone to grow up won’t make him grow an inch. Only experience will. What do you want, seems like the exclusively-weather-oriented-conversations kind of people is blossoming.

I read a good one the other day; “Long time ago, people who sacrificed their sleep, family, food, laughter and other joys of life were called saints. Now they are called hoteliers.”
For what it’s worth, when I look back, I feel like I always knew where I was meant to end up. The other day I had a read through my writings from the past years and every now and again there were clues all along my path. Those four years working in the hospitality industry have been useful in the way that they consumed every last bit of patience I ever had to chase me away from busy spots for good, gradually orienting me towards open spaces. The true courage sometimes is to choose.

“Life is like an embroidery, you spend half of your life on the front side, the pretty side of the embroidery. But you spend the second half on the other side. It’s not as pretty but you can see how the threads are woven together and you can see how it’s made.”

There are moments that seemed so unimportant, so meaningless at the time they occurred, but for some reason, looking back today they mean the world to you. It may have been like years ago – perhaps decades even – in some cases you’ll find that you can still perfectly remember every detail of a certain event, every last word of a conversation, every other freckle on her shoulder. I guess it’s hard to know what the important days are.

It’s kinda hard to put words on it, but it truly seems like these days I see everything under a different angle. And when I look back on the turning points of my life, I now understand why this turned to shit and why that has been uplifting. I have changed, and there’s just no point to deny it any longer.

“Embrace uncertainty. Some of the most beautiful chapters in our lives won’t have a title until much later.”

LXIX/ Honor the space between no longer and not yet

Alice asked the Cheshire Cat, who was sitting in a tree, “What road do I take?”
The cat asked, “Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t know,” Alice answered.
“Then,” said the cat, “it really doesn’t matter, does it?”

These days I realize why peace can be such a fragile thing in a world filled for most with creatures driven by selfishness, ignorance and carelessness. You know there are a number of conflicts where both sides are wrong. Sometimes you’ll even see conflicts where one side isn’t even aware that there is one.
The point is that they can steal all they like from you, they’ll never rob your ability to start things over. Of all kinds of fights I can chose from, I’ll always pick the flight forward.

Although you should know that it’s okay to be selfish. To a certain extent, especially if it’s your happiness that is on the line. You should be doing things today that make you happy and contented rather than sad and annoyed. Sometimes you just gotta tell everyone off and start doing something good for yourself. Quit trying to be complete, qui trying to be perfect. Try and aim for inner peace and serenity instead.

“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.”

Because I love what I do for a job, I just adore to get ready for work every morning – my little ritual – put all my gear on, check the weather , stick my arm through the window to feel the temperature, hang my knife and my pliers on my belt… Yes, it is an art form in itself to get into that cowboy spirit each and every morning.
Shit, wasn’t that just me starting to love routine?!
Whatever man… These days I’m restless like never before, I’m everything and its opposite, I have an overflow of energy flowing through my veins and, damn, that’s good to feel so alive and kicking again.

“Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”

Because matter of fact, I got no more major problems since I adopted this new lifestyle, I embrace serenity and freedom. Most of my thoughts being absorbed by the good feeling that there’s always more to learn with that job. I think I realized I had become a proper cowboy the day I started to mechanically stub out my cigarettes with my bare fingers without feeling a thing.

“I have found that if you love life, life will love you back.”

Because to the least once a day, I tell myself that I love what I do, because I feel pride when I sit on my tractor with my earmuffs on, protecting me from that noisy world around. Because I’m being a great friend to myself these days. To think that three months ago I knew nothing at all about this job and after all that hard work I put on, after all that sweat, all those sacrifices, all those long hours, all those scars on my body, all that perseverance, all those 12 day-in-a-row weeks, I just got promoted to qualified farmer. The title, the much better daily tasks, and the salary bump that goes along with it. I’m not gonna lie, I’m awfully pride for I truly earned it, I genuinely fought hard for it. I gave nothing away and I made no concessions to achieve that goal. To be frank, I don’t remember the last time I ever fought so hard for anything in my life. Keep going. Each step may get harder, but don’t stop. The view is beautiful at the top.

Ultimately what matters most is how well you walk through the fire. If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.

“Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.”

I feel like now that I found my dream job and got good at it, I can at last make time to focus on other things. For some reason there’s that Maslow’s hierarchy of needs thing that just popped up in my head. Remember? That pyramid that goes from the most fundamental levels of needs at the base (physiological, safety…) to the need for self-actualization at the very top. I have to say, at the moment I feel like I reached the top probably for the first time in my life. Instead of just chilling like everybody else on my very rare days off after a looong work’s period, I now take “very demanding” hikes in the mountains by myself, hours away from my place. The kind of things that the old me from just a couple years(/months?) ago would have never really done spontaneously.
Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.

“The only way that we can live is if we grow. The only way we can grow is if we change. The only way we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we are exposed is if we throw ourselves into the open.”

You should know that if you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it. Strength comes from struggle. When you learn to see your struggles as opportunities to become stronger, better, wiser, then your thinking shifts from “I can’t do this” to “I must do this.”

“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.”

What struck me those days is that since I know who I am, what I want, where I’m at and where I’m headed, I just don’t need anyone anymore. They say everybody in your life is there to teach you something. I guess you just don’t need anybody once you are whole, once you don’t really need any more answers. Shit, that’s such an odd realization. All I need to be happy these days is my peace and quiet.

Another thing I’m more and more aware of is how pretty madly obsessed with time I’ve become. My greatest daily struggle is to make sure that nobody steals a minute of my precious time. I feel like what I do with my time is mine to decide and mine only. I’m aware that I may be taking it a little too seriously but what do you want, time is such a valuable thing, if not the most valuable thing of all. Because you can sell your time but you cannot buy it back again… Now just take a minute, sit back and think this through.
Life itself is a time bomb, and this is nothing new. Tic tic tic… Thank you for granting me some precious minutes of your time.

“Let me be granted the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I’m not heartless. I just learned to use my heart less. My beard has never been so long and so does my hair. Gosh, I’m turning into an antisocial bear and I’m aware of it. Well in fact, despite every misanthropist thing I can write, I’ll have you know that I’m not anti-social, I’m anti-idiots. Only issue is that I consider the world to be filled with a good 80% of those creatures, no wonder why the slim 20% leftover tend to blow a gasket and close in on themselves.
I truly wish I was wise enough not to care about them at all, but I just haven’t reached that stage yet I guess and it feels like it’s not gonna happen anytime soon. I found it kinda funny when I found out that one of my dearest friends is a smart misanthropist that has given up on the idea of killing everybody else on the planet when his rational brains sadly reminded him that an entire life wouldn’t suffice to take them all down. This one I could have thought of myself.

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.”

To live in the countryside truly is the best kept secret to happiness. And it must remain a secret for if all those urban sheep were to find out, there simply wouldn’t be enough space for us all to blossom out here. Some people are just so far behind in the race that they think they’re leading. And as Aristotle said “whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a god.” Last time I checked, I was still an atheist. Antisocial bear, is that you I see in the mirror?

“To be nobody but yourself in a world that’s doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting. ”

All my life I’ve always hated to be called ‘young man’, I always found that kinda degrading and perhaps also slightly irritating. But to tell you the truth, now that i’m getting called ‘sir’, I wonder whether that does not freak me out even more. Jeez, be kind, just don’t call me at all, ok?

But for now, I just won’t let anyone wake me from this sweet dream; turning 25 was by far the best thing that has happened to me in ages. I matured so much I barely recognize myself and I’m purely and solely breathing happiness. I’m grateful for I sincerely couldn’t have dreamed of a better 5 years to begin my twenties with. Go me.

“When I was 7 I wanted to be 8. When I was 8 I wanted to be 12. When I turned 12 I just wanted to be 18. Then after that I stopped wanting to be older. Now I’m ticking 16-24 boxes just to see if I can blag it! I feel like I’ve spent my whole life so far wishing it away. Always wishing I was older, wishing I could remember and wishing I could forget too. Wishing I’d gotten to know my grandparents more, wishing I’d waited and wishing I’d hurried up as well.
Today I’m making up with myself. Making up for lost time. Making up for everything I ever did and never did. But I haven’t got time to hold on to the crumbs of my past like I used to. What’s done is done. Turning 25 was a turning point for me, slap bang in the middle of my 20s. Teetering on the edge of being an old adolescent and a fully fledged adult, I made the decision to go into becoming who I’m going to be forever without a removal van full of my old junk. I miss everything about my past, the good and the bad, but only because it won’t come back. When I was in it I wanted out! So typical. I’m on about being a teenager, sitting around and chatting shit, not caring about the future because it didn’t matter then like it does now. The ability to be flippant about everything and there be no consequences. Even following and breaking rules … is better than making the rules. 25 is about getting to know who I’ve become without realizing. And I’m sorry it took so long, but you know, life happened.”

‘Turning 25 was a turning point for me, slap bang in the middle of my 20s.’ Damn, Adele, you took the words right out of my mouth..! So yes, your banking fees are gonna rise up – yes – you have become a man with responsibilities and from now on you are expected to behave as such – and yes – a third of your life is behind you now. But let’s look into the bright side here; car rental companies are gonna love you now! No more stupid young driver fees, ever. If that’s not a resounding call for more adventures I’m not sure what it is! And just between us, two third to go is always better than just one.

“A beautiful day begins with a beautiful mindset. When you wake up, take a second to think about what a privilege it is to simply be alive and healthy. The moment you start acting like life’s a blessing, I assure you it will start to feel like one. Time spent appreciating is time worth living.”

I wish you’re alright wherever you are and I wish you find your own path to happiness one day. I wish you find love and beautiful souls to connect with. I hope you never let the pessimistic ones drag you down. I hope you never cease to ask questions and I sincerely hope you fight hard for what you believe is right. I truly hope you never lose sight of that fierce adventurer you once believed you were back in the day. I wish you never run out of dreams, wild dreams with plenty of space to grow into them.
I wish you turn 25 the way I did.

“Honor the space between no longer and not yet.”